my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
