hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.