smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
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i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
These 17 Delivery Dudes Suck At Their Jobs But Are Winning At Life
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E