ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
