A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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