Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just want nice things and good sex
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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