im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
