I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
