So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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