She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
