hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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