I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
