I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
