it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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