I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize