sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
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