I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
