I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
