Just cropdusted the office
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
