Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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