i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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