so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I just found puke in my bra..
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
