guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Randomize
