Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Randomize
