Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
