You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
well you can't waste a boner
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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