i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
