you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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