if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
