Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
