So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
