Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Never joke about your clitoris.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
