i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
