He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
