just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
