did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
