Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
