I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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