remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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