I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
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