we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
