i would punch a child for taco bell
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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