The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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