we have officially lost it.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
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I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
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