we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?