My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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