well I can't set my house on fire every night
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
