We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
