i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
