She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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