Soap is not a condiment
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Randomize
