He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need to calm my uterus...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
