Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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