i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
