Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
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