plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...