I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
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He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
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the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.