I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
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