my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
