i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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