In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
