I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
