i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
