Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
