gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
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